Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Overheard on a backroad in Appalachia

Kelly: Oh my God, my emergency break is on. Where are we going? Where’s the B&B?

Erin: This way feels right. Go straight. I feel like we should go straight.

Jemima (piping up from the back seat): Feel? FEEL? THAT WAY GOES TO TENNESSEE! Sweet fancy Jesus. TURN LEFT! LEFT!

Kelly: You are the idiot savant of navigation

Jemima: I don’t know what that means. What’s an idiot savant?

Erin: It’s like in Rainman, the guy who was all good with cards.

Kelly: You know, Dustin Hoffman's character?

Jemima: Wait, are you saying I'm autistic with weird underwear issues and shop at KMart?


This weekend goes down in history as the longest I’ve ever been without water. I’ve subsisted entirely on a “diet” of beer, wine, champagne and Lick-m-Aid.

Erin, Kelly and I spent the weekend in an adorable little B&B cottage in Asheville as part of Aleigh’s destination wedding. I must say, it’s a good thing Kelly doesn’t drink, because the rehearsal dinner and ceremony both required a compass and a clear view of the North Star. There was a lot of pointing and shouting and wild gesticulation. And I think if Simons ever dies, I will move to Massachusetts and marry Erin.

She almost got me kicked out of the rehearsal dinner, because during the early speeches, Aleigh gave Kelly this lovely little perfume atomizer that looked a lot like a vibrator, which Erin noted...unfortunately, right during one of those quiet lulls in conversation when everyone hears you. So I got the snorts, which gave her the snorts, which sent us off into helpless peals of laughter, the kind where you don't make any noise, but shake and cry and snort and have this hideous rictus grin for about 15 minutes and you can't breathe. And it was during the goddamn blessing, and I was trying so hard not to snort, but then I'd hear Erin hissing away next to me and then that would set me off again. God, it was terrible.

Kelly kept threatening to separate us. And then we all went outside for a smoke (no, I haven’t really started again), and the old bag named Tex on my left thought we were on drugs, and said all snotty when we got back to the table, "You were gone a long time. I hope that was just a cigarette break and nothing else," and Erin rounded on her like a rattlesnake and said, "No, we were shooting heroin! That okay with you?" And that just set me off again. Yea gods.

Erin maintains that Tex was inappropriate first, but then I said “Hi, Pot, this is Kettle calling, just to say ‘vibrator’ and then ‘Amen.’” Sinner.

At the wedding, which was on a farm with goats and ponies and bunnies and llamas (I do love a llama), Aleigh looked beautiful and totally herself in a gorgeous short dress with a blue obi. And considering she went through about 12 trial dresses, this one was all the more lovely for being hard to find.
Her shoes were fab too.
I mean, look how cute Aleigh and Ian are.
Excellent food, great wine. And Kelly got to sharpen her fingernails on the groom’s uptight brother, who kept popping out from behind the outhouse with a video camera to demand an interview, which was not appreciated. (I mean, who can be expected to come up with the meaning of love and marriage all impromptu like that? I guess he has to creep up on people, because otherwise everyone would see him coming and scamper off, like a slow motion game of chase. But maybe that mentality should be a clue that making a video like that is a BAD IDEA?) Anyway, he lunged at Kelly, who does not like the paparazzi, and asked her for some words of advice for the married couple, and without missing a beat she said, “I know a great divorce lawyer, and I’ve got him in speed dial, Aleigh, so call me anytime, day or night.” I think I yipped a little and my eyes bugged…like a Pekinese. So did the uptight brothers’.

And then Aleigh came mincing over in her adorable shoes and Kelly said, "Did you come over here for a cigarette?" And Aleigh said, "Of course not." And then we all went behind the outhouse and smoked, even the bridesmaids.
After the band started playing Old MacDonald for the children, Kelly and Erin and I went back to our beautiful little cottage and stayed up till about 3 a.m. drinking Miller Lite and smoking and dishing about rabbits and boys and the illegitimate offspring of various relations. God, it was totally fab.


barbie2be said...

that sounds awesome!

Moose said...

I now have a very endearing image of your head grafted onto a Pekinese's body. Also, the goat? (Or llama? Or very large pack rat? My recognizing wildlife expertise extends to elephants and camels and not much else.) Might be my favorite picture EVER.

Erin said...

It was truly the best time ever. I'm on an IV drip of water now and I don't think I'll be hydrated until roughly 2015. But it was all worth it.

And I think we should all marry each other because then Kelly could be our designated driver because clearly, you and I would be drunk ALL THE TIME.

weetiny said...

So clearly the best thing I have read all week, and just in time for my friend's wedding this Saturday. Where - ahem - we are not allowed to bring a date unless it is a spouse.

Beer, wine, shotgun? Anyone?

Thank you for inspiring me to conspire with the fellow guests to make a break for the patch of grass behind the outhouse for an illegal smoke!

Stepping Over the Junk said...

that is so great. I love the goat. Nothing like having a wedding with a goat.

In other topics, filing quarterly taxes is easy and worth it...the form is the 1040-ES and you can find it on the IRS website. I got penalized last year (I am paying for my business and for alimony) a few hundred bucks. This year, I am sending a check with the form every quarter.

CharlestonGirl said...

Sounds like you had the perfect getaway from the sickness at home! :) I swear every now and then we all need to just get away from the usual and have a weekend with friends and um....beer.

Kelly Love said...

I wish I was in Asheville. It's 85 degrees here. This time last week I was in Asheville and it was 63 degrees. And breezy. And mountain-y.

Robert Payne said...

Ah yes, the cigarette smoking south. Coupled with the humidity, it is a wonder that anyone there can breathe.

I can picture you now, gazing out over the Blue Ridge Mountains, meeting its smoky texture with exhales of your own demise.

Alright, I am done fucking with you. So, how good did those ciggie pops taste? It's been a stressful day, and I could use one.

Jill said...

Loved the pics!

banjeroo said...

I LOVE "sweet fancy Jesus".

I've also heard Newfoundlanders say "sweet adorable Jesus" (often before a quick JesusMaryandJoseph), which is also quite serviceable in many situations.

Alexandrialeigh said...

Next time I get married, I am totally going to do some fake tanning first. SweetFancyJesusHChrist am I white in those pictures.