Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Post whereby I admit something shameful

So my ex got married this past weekend.

Now I don’t mind this in theory. I dumped him, remember? He’s a nice guy, and I wish him well and all that, but I wouldn’t want him back. I’ve married the perfect husband, love our life, and we are always out doing fun and exciting things together…laughing toothily and tossing our fabulous hair.

So, in this brilliant concept called "theory," magnanimity is easy. But in practice, my rosy graciousness pales a shade or two when I think that The Ex is somewhere fancy on his honeymoon with someone who ultimately ranked higher than me on his personal awesomeness scale. And that chafes just a little.

I confess, when his cousin sent me an email with the ex’s new wife’s name, I did indeed look up the engagement announcement (which creepily enough looks almost exactly like a picture of me and the ex at a ballet gala about six years ago, only she’s blonde), and she looks…nice. I would probably like her (shyah, as IF!). She has a cool name. And he looks happy, which somehow bothers me not at all. So that's not what is needling me, although I confess I liked it better when he was rebounding with the tattooed ne’er-do-well his whole family christened, “Trasha.”

I’m not crying and wringing my hands or anything. It’s just a vague grumpiness and a masochistic desire to google their names to see if any wedding photos have been posted yet. So the question is: to stalk or not to stalk?

WHY, you ask? Why in the hell would I want to see their first dance and cake feeding and moony wedding glowiness, etc? Maybe it’s just because I know my wedding was better.

Well, no. I mean, mine probably was better, but I’m not that pompous. That’s not the reason.

Maybe the issue that's feeding my masochism is realizing that it doesn’t matter one bit whether I wish him well or not. My opinion no longer matters to him. My graciousness has no affect. I could just as well be rending my hair and frothing at the mouth for all the universe cares., actually that feels a little hollow too.

I bet I know. It’s a small and stupid touch of buyer’s remorse. I do it all the time at restaurants—order the filet and wish I’d gotten the fish. Not that Simons is a filet. And if he were, he’d be a Kobe beefcake branded with my name on it: "Destined to be Jemima's. Hands off, bitches!" But if I bought a ticket to Paris, I’d suddenly start whining about Venice. You know? It’s just the thought of something that is never going to happen now because you made a choice. It’s better that it doesn’t (picture here bombs going off in Venice, during a cholera epidemic with those flying monkeys from Oz), but I like to wallow in the odd spot of melancholy, and here is an excellent opportunity.

I think maybe I shouldn’t look at the wedding photos. What do you guys think?


Anonymous said...

I was going to try and look them up but now I can't even remember his last name. Weird.
I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal. *hugs*

Anne said...

You're being normal...Google it, look at it, get the morbid curiosity (ie: rubber neck) taken care of and you will feel much better knowing that he's no where near as happy as you are. And though, deep down, you knew that already, taking care of the curiosity will make you not dwell on it. It will give you closure and you will feel much better.

And the reason I know this and can say it with such confidence is because I and lots of my friends have felt this same way and put it to bed this way too.

I promise - you're normal!!

Operation Pink Herring said...

I guess I'm probably supposed to say "Don't do it, it's not worth your time" or something like that, but... there is no way in hell I would NOT look at those pictures. Do it. There's really no harm. And from the pictures you posted of your wedding, I can pretty much guarantee that your wedding WAS better.

Marcheline said...

I know exactly what you mean. When my very first boyfriend got married, I felt a little like I'd been punched in the stomach. Not that I had any desire to date him again or anything, it's just like a big final door slamming on one's past or something. I suppose we all like to feel that we are the constant in the lives of everyone we are close to, and when they move past us it makes us a little uncomfortable. Even if we've already moved way past them.

I'd absolutely look at the pics, though. If you don't, you'll always wonder. If you do, you can say "Oh. That's it, then."

- M

Liz said...

Looking might make you feel like puking. And I only say that because the same thing happened to me two weeks ago and I looked. Not a good feeling, but that's my experience. Yours might be different. You might as well look and get the curiosity out of the way. Just be prepared to possibly feel very ill.

The Sorority said...

You are so normal - and yes you should look only to get rid of the curiosity. Once you look a lot of the melancholy will go away. Besides, then you have the opportunity to critique (or criticize sharply as I would) things like her dress, bridesmaids dress and prettiness, tuxes, photographer, etc. Then Simons will come home and you will give him a kiss and all about the ex will be forgotten.


Damian Young said...

Look at the photos. Everything looks better in your imagination than it really is. Looking at the pics will give you a chance to pick the shit out them and remember why you split in the first place.

And remember that there is nothing a guy likes more than an ex thinking about him. One of mine called up from the UK and left a really grumpy message for me when I got engaged to Sonia. Apparently I had promised to marry her if she was still single at 30.

I was totall chuffed that my engagement to the lovely Sonia broke her heart. She has since become a lesbian, and my male ego likes to thing not being able to have me drove her to it!

Look at the pictures and it will bring the reality of the absolute lack of relevance to your current life the wedding has to you.

Miss you guys.


PS Sonia is totally pining for you.
PPS did Simons check out my surfing pics on my website???? I felt I needed to back up my talk with some action in the surfing area.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

ABSOLUTELY! I would. Why not?

Anonymous said...

I vote for not looking at the pictures. This way you can imagine them hideous ...

Anonymous said...

Print out a bunch of the pictures, scatter them on your bed, and have crazy sex on top of them.

Jemima said...

Ew. I don't want to have sex on their wedding photos. That makes me a little queasy.