Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Irony



Last night, Simons and I shelled out $220 for a parking place about 6 blocks away. This is because we have paid about $1000 in parking tickets since we moved here, so any parking place, no matter the price, is going to be cheaper. They shell out $80 parking tickets like Hershey at Halloween here. A bird craps on the street and you get a parking ticket. I got two $275 parking tickets for being within seven feet of a handicap ramp the other day. That's $550 for eight hours of parking. $550 between 11pm in the rain and darkness and 7 am when I moved it in the morning. $550 after driving in circles for an hour and a half trying to find a space and finally giving up in despair.

So this morning, while working on invoicing, I got a loud hammering at the door, which somehow I heard over the loud hammering of the workmen gutting the apartment next door. And it's a workman. And it's a meter maid (are they maids if they are men? I think they are. They deserve the emasculation.). And they say that even though the construction crew already has their allotted 40 feet of space on the block, they also demand the 10 feet of space I am taking in our legally parked car which has been in the same place for three days without complaint, and if I don't go move it, they will tow me. So I go to move the car to our newly paid for parking space, and there is another goddamn ticket for $40 on it.

It's a good thing meter maids are fast, because I'd have dearly loved to have told him what a

cheap, lying, no-good, rotten,

four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating,

inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking,

dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless,

heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged,

spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!


I need to go eat some cheese.

21 comments:

Nothing But Bonfires said...

Where is this parking spot? We need one. Is it $220 a month? Or just $220? Why am I not just emailing you with these questions and instead posting them on a public forum like they're interesting or something?

Answers on a postcard.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

And who exactly OWNS this parking spot, that you rent it from?? Because you should get a discount for the time you cant use it with the workmen there. And surely the meter maid would understand, I cant believe you got a ticket...AND how exactly did they know where you lived? I am curious about that!

Pink Herring said...

Holy cow. I have no right to ever complain about parking around here, when apparently I have it EASY. $1000 in tickets?? Just reading that makes me want to cry and pop open a bottle of wine.

Wordnerd said...

Hallelujah -- where's the Tylenol?

Marcheline said...

Keeeeee-RIPES!

barbie2be said...

holy cats! i am so glad i have a driveway to park in.

Jenny said...

Oh my Lord I hate that. I know it's their job but I still want to strangle them.

Horrible Warning said...

Wordnerd forgot holy shit. Just sayin.

Love Chevy Chase. Hate metermens...

The Sorority said...

Holy crap that is some expensive parking tickets! How can you be made to move from a parking spot that you have paid for and still get a ticket! Those damn tickets just ate up a lot of shoes and cheese.

Diane

barbie2be said...

jemima, i have awarded you the "thinking blogger award" over here...at my blog.

mat said...

parking tickets freaaaaking suuuuuuuuuck. i feel your pain. i once got lazy and had close to two thousand bucks worth of parking tickets. haha

Robert Payne said...

You clearly don't appreciate the extensive preparation and education a meter maid must endure. Otherwise, everyone in the city would be sasheing around in tight polyester, eagerly searching for those gas guzzling maniacs that purposely place their cars along yellow lines in order to undermine the very foundations of our society. Considering your flagrant disregard for proper parking procedures, I suspect you may be a communist or even a terrorist.

NotSoccer Mom said...

oh and i was complaining about the $20 i had to shell out for the so-called valet parking on sat night. yikes! but man, i so hate the city. i hate driving in it and i hate parking in it. that's why i live in the suburbs and park in a garage.

Jill said...

I thought I was the queen of parking tickets, but you win.

barbie2be said...

are you still with us, miss J?

Anne said...

Hope all is well - I miss reading your posts.

Anne said...

Hello?
Hello?
Is there anyone there?
Are you being held captive against your will?

may 4, 2007

Suz said...

I must share a beautiful story from about 2 weeks ago--I parked illegally near the King Street Sbux in Charleston. Came back out with my latte, and a Ticket Witch was placing a ticket on the car parked illegally in front of me. I was all "Shit!" and tried to run to my car very very quickly without her noticing. I knew I was screwed. She placed the ticket on the car DIRECTLY in front of me, then TURNED AWAY FROM ME AND WALKED BACK TO HER BROOM (ahem, little cart-like thingie). I looked around me in disbelief, like "Am I being Punk'd or something?" then, after seeing no one laughing and pointing, realized it was officially My Lucky Day and began giggling uncontrollably.

Also, I've missed you too!

Marcheline said...

OKAY, WHAT THE @#($*& IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!?????

Where Jemima go? Where?


WHERE, GODDAMMIT?

NothingButBonfires said...

WRITE SOMETHING NEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I may know you're alive and well but no-one else does!

Anonymous said...

Ok, really, I don't read many blogs, and this is getting very frustrating....is Beulah ok??