Sunday, November 12, 2006

Hot Pants and a Bra

Today was spent in recovery, thanks to a few too many Stolis at a friend’s birthday party. Mmmm…Stoli. So delicious.

This particular party was held at Swig. The last one she had was at a bar called Sip.

More like Guzzle if you ask me.

I was having an interesting conversation with a lawyer freshly transplanted from Manhattan. Evidently she had met a few friends at her new dance class. Impressed, since I tend to hurt myself doing choreographed dance routines, I asked what kind. She said that normally she does ballet, but this particular class is pole dancing.

(!!!)

This was the basis for a fascinating discussion on what one wears to a pole dancing class (see title), how many bored housewives are taking it, and whether she gets a lot of dates with her newfound talent. The latter proved not to be true, although she had high hopes from placing her pole dancing credentials on Match.com.

God, I’m so glad I’m not dating in this town. Can you imagine? I’d be like the old maid profile, gathering dust in the uber lame section of the Internet.

“Single white female. Rather large bottom. Likes to knit. Has dog with a bucket.”

Meeeow!

***
So in other news, directly related to future ruminations about such things as pole dancing, I evidently have some new readers.

Momma, Daddy, welcome to my blog.

Now, I’ve of a couple of minds about this. These might be better explained by relating the conversation I had with my dad where he announced his membership to the Jemima Fanclub.

[wavy glow of flashback, scene cuts to Simons driving the Subaru out to Half Moon Bay. Jemima speaks on the phone with her dad]

Jemima: “blah, blah, blah…oysters across state lines…blah blah”

Daddy: “Oh by the way, I was at the white anglo saxon male watering hole/the Yacht Club last night, and someone told me that you had a blog.”

(male shriek of alarm as the sudden vacuum created inside the car makes Simons drive off the road and run over an old homeless lady)

Jemima: [weakly] Oh?

Daddy: “Yes! And they explained what that was, and so Momma and I have been reading it and we just love it.”

Jemima: [taking mental tally of number of F-bombs, merdes, ungrateful daughter postings, blatant lies, partial untruths, crazed hormonal posts, totally fabricated insinuations of carnal knowledge of aforementioned husband] “Oh...God.”

Daddy: “I was reading all of the comments. Does your sister read your blog? Someone posted under ‘WSS’ and it sounded just like her.”

Jemima: “Erk.” [pounds the gloating Simons with fists of impotent rage] “Yes, WSS is Wicked Step Sister.”

Daddy: “Well have fun at the beach. Tata.”

(Simons just begged me to erase the carnal part of that last bit)

So now I’ve been deliberating whether or not I ought to self censor a bit. Most of my friends who blog know that their families read their posts, and have made an effort to curb the swearing. And I don’t suppose it would hurt to do that. I’m not used to having to think about it. Simons knows what my blog is but won’t read it on principle. I keep telling him I mostly post NICE things about him…

Anyway, I worry more about hurting someone’s feelings by publishing my private and often transitory feelings about certain things in a public forum. Oh well, Dooce has been dealing with that for six years now. If it happens, it happens.

What else concerns me about this is that usually when someone blogs under a different name, it generally means that he or she would prefer that readers not blow their cover at public events. It’s just good manners not to. So who exactly spilled the beans? And why did he think it was a good idea? And who else is bandying my name about?

I was deliberating over this ad nauseum with Simons tonight and he said, “Just talk about douching and brassieres and everyone will quit reading it.”

And I said, “Yeah, including me. I could talk about sex with you once and my parents would definitely quit.”

Then he yelled “NO!” so loud, his head blew off and made a mess and I had to go fetch paper towels and a soothing morphine drip.

So, now that the initial shock and mortification and panic have exhausted themselves, and the beer has kicked in, I can’t say I’m all that upset about it. I shall continue as I started, and will trust to everyone’s sense of humor to get by.

And if all else fails, there’s always the douching.

18 comments:

Agricola said...

Jemima,

The owner of the loose lips was me, and I sincerely apologize. I encountered your parental units at "that place". I have known your mother since she graciously assented to renting some SPA property to a club to which I once belonged; she was relatively pleasant after we and our guests completely trashed the room. In any event, we were sharing space at the bar before before eating and I made some comment about reading and writing that caused your name to come up, although we have never met. I mentioned your work for the local business paper, and your folks reminded me that you had recently gotten married and moved to SF. The tumblers clicked, the safe opened, and your secret came pouring out of my mouth before my brain could get the damn safe door closed. I even promised to provide a link, and in the light of the next day realized that I could do no such thing...that I had improperly revealed that which should remain anonymous. Alas, your post arrived in my Google Reader this AM, revealing that your secret was out. I do most heartily apologize and most humbly beg your forgiveness; there was no malicious intent, only a moment of exuberant stupidity. Should you feel the need, I provide my web address (with email link) for any corrective action you deem appropriate.

Jill said...

I hope you don't change a thing on the blog, I like you just the way you are.

Nothing But Bonfires said...

I love how EVEN THOUGH you now know your dad's reading, you still titled the first post after you found out "Hot Pants and a Bra."

Brave! I would have called mine "Turtleneck, Wimple, and a Burka."

Jen said...

My worst fear is that someone at work will find out I have a blog. Actually, that happened a few months ago, but I swore him to secrecy (since he also had a blog) and now he doesn't work here anymore, so I'm safe again... for now.

I told my parentals about my blog because I knew they'd be the only ones to read it... but sometimes I wish I didn't... because I have to self-censor some things. But I probably shouldn't be telling those things to the internet in the first place, so maybe it's a good thing. After all, you never know when you'll be outed.

At least your parents love it! Mine do too, my mom said she feels like she knows me much better now, and she love hearing about my mundane day-to-day happenings. I just have to save the "MY MOM IS DRIVING ME NUTS" rants for emails to my friends.

Marcheline said...

There's something horrific and life-changing about the first five minutes after you find out your blog has been "outed". Your face flushes, and then you go all pale and dizzy as your mind slides back through time to all the posts you absolutely WOULD NOT WANT that person or persons to read.

I've been there, and, like you, decided to soldier on. If people don't want to read things they don't like, then they can just NOT come to my blog, in that case!

However - my outing was to a friend, and it was my own stupid fault for listing my blogsite address on a public forum. If someone outed to my parents, I think I might just implode. Then I would throttle the person who blabbed.

In the end, though, I'd keep on blogging because hey, fuck'em if they can't take a joke!

8-D

- M

Wordnerd said...

I'd be a nervous wreck if someone found out about mine -- and not about what I'd already written. I'd be afraid of letting it change what I had yet to write.

Don't let that happen!

Jenny said...

"If all else fails, there's always the douching"

Truer words have never been written, my friend.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

HA! That is very funny. I deleted my old blog from last year because of that very thing and now have started up again without telling anyone except bloggers who dont know me personally. I agree about the friends not blowing your cover at a party...to your parents!!!!

Stepping Over the Junk said...

P.S. And on pole dancing, Oprah had a special on that. I wsa looking at the class schedule at my local Y and they now have Belly Dancing. ACH!

s@bd said...

my parents read my blog and always have.

which explains the extreme language cleanliness of my blog.

Nancy said...

I am so glad that agricola fessed up. I was terrified that my husband might have shared the bar stool next to your dad one night. Yikes!
I never put your link up on my blog for fear that you would be outed.

Don't change a thing and something tells me you're not about to... I knew you in the fifth grade, remember? :)

Sara said...

H,
Sara and I have collectively grieved for your loss this evening. Since the little one is attached to the buffet at this moment I have been charged with the task of expressing our sincere condolences. Your blog has become like a science fair project for us with the hypothesis being something akin to, " After placing native charleston objects into a tank of immense life changes and San Fransico, the outcome will include trauma, nausea, good times and verying amounts of erosion." Sara also wants to tell your parents that she has always loved them and has always been profoundly against your potty mouth. Good times.
W (the one you like)

banjeroo said...

Is that how you found me? The douching? Anyway, so pleased to find your blog. I'll be back. If you ever come to Canada, let's all go camping!

Rossi said...

Hey there! Is it OK if I add you to my stalking list?

WSS said...

WSS,
As always, very well and amusingly put. After talking with Pere yesterday, I discovered, not surprisingly I might add, that he has read your entire blog history! They were both incredibly amused, impressed, and not a bit overwhelmed at the global reach your blog has. I am, as always, giddy and giggly after reading your meanderings and am greatly enjoying your experiences that are so different from my own these days! As W and Sara P-now-B so eloquently wrote, it's like a lovely social experiment that we can learn from and laugh about. (with you not at you of course)
Much love,
WSS

PS - The mere thought of either of us having any success at pole dancing makes me giggly all over again! But what did Simons think?

Jemima said...

Simons turned puce and asked her politely if she was enjoying the class. And then he fetched me another Stoli. He got double points for not looking at her boobs.

R*belle said...

Its a hard balance-- I used to enjoy my blog so much more before I had statcounter and learned that some friends and family were silently lurking. At least yours were upfront and you know, that is a good thing! I actually found you through NBB and have been reading and then tonight found you through a Charleston blog I read as well! Small world!

The Sorority said...

I cringe at the thought of my family or my beloved reading my blog. They know about it but are very kind and never tell me if they have read a single word.

Don't change a word Jemima - love it just the way it is.

Diane