Monday, October 23, 2006

Claus-trophobia

Another freelance job came rolling in today from the media company, and on top of the whole linking of gastric bypass to dementia and Alzheimer's (furious eye rolling and tsks of disbelief), now I have to promote ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREES. And is it about how artificial Christmas trees are the devil's playthings and inhabited by gremlins who lick all of your advent calendar chocolate while you're sleeping?

Negatory. I have to say nice things about the crappy faux trees.

Who buys pre-lighted plastic trees? Tell me it's old people with no family to speak of, because do people REALLY buy that for their children? In which case, HOW DO THEIR CHILDREN KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS SMELLS LIKE? Are these faux Christmas (buyers) obsessive compulsive cleaners or afraid of bugs or allergic to pine? And speaking of, do buyers of these appalling trees hang those pine tree scented air fresheners in their living rooms to add that fresh piney smell?

My own auntie actually hires someone to decorate her tree, which gives me the absolute vapors, but at least her tree is real. You're SUPPOSED to have Brandy Alexanders or cocoa or AT LEAST tea or something, and maybe some ginger cookies and you decorate the tree with friends (gay Navy merman ornaments, anyone?) or with family (tiny broken wooden toys from when we were tots). It's TRADITION. How traditional can you be when you go into the closet, drag out your Trapper Keeper-smelling tree and unfold it like a damned umbrella ALREADY lighted?

Man, I am hot about this. Fake trees are just plain wrong. Who's with me?

10 comments:

s@bd said...

You may be hot about it but I'm kind of laughing.

ahem. What I mean is ... yeah. You're right. We get a 'real' tree every year.

But my parents never did ... because we went away for two weeks every Christmas to my grandparents' places far, far north of where we lived. And at my grandparents' places we had 'real' trees, cut out of my grandfathers' bushes ('bushes'? Hi, I'm from northern Ontario.) with lots of old ornaments and 400-year-old tinsel.

Sooo ... that's one reason (and perhaps the only one) to have a 'fake' tree.

Marcheline said...

I'm with you!

Anonymous said...

I'm one of those sadly allergic to pine and I got tired of feeling like I had the flu every Christmas just to have a real tree, so we've gone to faux; however, I REFUSED to go with a tree with the lights already in it. If not, how could I make sure my special momento ornaments had the proper lighting? Or fight with my husband about how the lights should be put on?

Jen said...

When I was little, we had a fake tree (I think it was to save money, since we had none). I hated that thing, because my brother and I had to lug it down from the attic every year, and then lug it back up. I hate fake trees.

But I'm not really attached to real trees either. I've never had one, and I dont' feel motivated to go beyond the tabletop-sized rosemary "Christmas tree" from the grocery store. I'm just a grinch, I guess!

Kak said...

My sister- and brother-in-law had a fake tree for years. I think because it was easy, and he's a bit of a neat freak. We couldn't understand it, but whatever. This artificial tradition continued until last year, their three year old said, "Mommy, I'm going to help Daddy put the tree together!" I'm pretty sure they are going with a real one this year - at least I hope so!

Jemima said...

Well I accept the allergy issue, and at least allergic people can now have some sort of Yule tradition. But the rest of it is just SHEER LAZINESS, people.

I'm determined to get a live tree this year, with the big root ball, so we can plant it again. And hug it and love it and name it George. Actually, George was last year. Is it wrong to name them all George?

Wordnerd said...

I'm with you 100%! Sure, the new faux trees look 'real' and pay for themselves after a couple years and yada yada, but Christmas is about excess, and spending $80 - $125 for a real tree that sheds needles on your floor and needs water and is sometimes prickly but smells like goshdarn Christmas!

Ahem. I'm done.

Wordnerd said...

Please remove that comma in my previous comment before I die of fragmentitis or something.

Marcheline said...

Wordnerd - Which one? There are three!

8-)

- M

P now B said...

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the looney toons reference! Sometimes I feel like the only person who remembers the, "and name him George" sketch.

PS typing with one hand, while severely sleep deprived, in low lighting not to disturb the semi-sleeping newborn, is qute the challenge. Miss you!