Monday, July 24, 2006

I'm sorry for ruining your black panther party...

We had an awesome partay on my parents’ island on Saturday. The Puerco Pibil was OUTstanding, if I do say so myself. And there was tons and tons of food and lots of margaritas and beer. My niece had a perfectly marvelous time drowning her auntie, and riding an inflatable alligator and eating things that her mother would never have allowed her. The dogs romped, everyone swam...lovely.

The high point was lunch with everyone gathered at the long picnic tables. The low point was my getting into a fistfight with my friend/bridesmaid/former neighbor.

I was swimming with my three-year old niece, and this neighbor (who was beyond drunk) kept encouraging Beulah to jump off the dock on top of us, which was funny exactly never. Other people were getting really annoyed with her, because she kept doing it, while everyone else was having to do all the work to fish Beulah out. So after the eleventh time of hoisting Beulah back up on the dock (dogs can’t get out of the water without a lot of help and getting awfully scratched), I got out and pushed this neighbor off the dock for her to cool off. I did it in jest, and we’d all been swimming, so it wasn’t like she was fully clothed and dry, plus she was sitting on the edge of the dock at the time. Perhaps a better plan would have been to suggest that she knock it off, but I think I’d asked her that a couple of times while I was swimming to no avail.

Anyway, about fifteen minutes later, I was standing with a bunch of Simons’ friends when I was suddenly clawed across the back by this same slurring friend, who started trying to push me into the water...which was about ten feet away and, in that particularly spot, riddled with boat propellers. She stomped all over poor Belle, trying to push me off the dock, and then when that didn’t work, she grabbed my left breast, drawing long bleeding furrows, clawed off a mole, and proceeded to expose my boob to about five of Simons’ male friends in an attempt to drag me off the dock. I was so embarrassed, because she was screeching away drunkenly, while I was yelling, “Fucking let go! That hurts!” She wouldn’t let go of my bathing suit, and I was trying very hard to cover my exposed breast with my right hand, so I finally reached over and punched her in the head with my left.

She was absolutely slurring drunk and said, “I just got bitch slapped! You started it! Why did you hit me?”

And I said, “Because you fucking hurt me! What did you expect me to do? You were pulling off my bikini top and wouldn’t let go!”

She kind of giggled lamely and protested she didn’t, but I don’t think there’s really any dispute since I looked down and my left boob was right there reflecting sunlight. I didn’t even realize how much I was bleeding until my mom freaked out. I took my niece back up on the island and stayed there for the rest of the party, not being able to face George, Charles, Cope, Braxton and John after flashing them. This friend evidently passed out on the dock about five minutes later until it was time to go home.

She’s just like that. I guess being an only child, she doesn’t know how to play nice. Because if you ever get into a tickle fight with her, she ends up wrenching off your nipple or something. Our other neighbor usually gets to bear the brunt of that, and has had this friend expose her boobs or her underwear on any number of occasions and REALLY hates it. She’ll pull your shirt down like a five year old. In a whip cream war, she’ll stab you with the Readi-Whip container. And she’ll laugh, like if you’re upset, it must be your fault.

Anyway, I have no idea how this is going to end. I know she won’t apologize for coming to MY island on MY birthday and humiliating me in front of my husband’s friends. Nor will she ever recognize that by getting drunk and having no self-control, she was being a total asshole to everyone around her. I’m sorry for pushing her off the dock, but I’m not very sorry for punching her.

But I am embarrassed as hell. Who gets in a FIGHT on their own birthday? What type of friends must I have that would expose me to a bunch of guys like that?


Anonymous said...

Dear GOD, Sarah. That's awful. I mean, jeez, adults shouldn't act like that and being drunk is absolutely NO excuse. If you know you behave like a jackass when you're drunk, DON'T DRINK!!!


Marcheline said...

Poor you. I'm glad you cocked her one in the noggin. Knock some sense into that bitch.

Maybe it would have been a good idea if someone would have put the dog up after the first couple of rounds of "bobbing for doggies".... but hindsight is always 20/20.

Nothing But Bonfires said...

I don't know which part of this shocked me more -- that you wrote the words CLAWED OFF A MOLE in a sentence and made me barf uncontrollably onto my keyboard, or the phrase "my husband's friends," which just seemed SO WEIRD when I read it. (I mean not that Simons -- are we calling him Simons now, not A.S.? -- doesn't have any friends, just the fact that you wrote MY HUSBAND without giggling. Or did you giggle when you wrote it? I bet you did.)

barbie2be said...

that's just sad... she surely must be embarrassed by it? mustn't she? i mean, aside from MY family, who does that???

Meg said...

That's just really, really weird. But I'd have clocked her, too. What else was she going to pay attention to?

j!! said...

I totally love that you can say "My party on my island." Heheh.

That said, I wouldn't be sorry for punching her in the head either. I think I might have done it several times, just for good measure.

Amy said...

That's pretty damn awful...though I *DO* hope that your sweeping generalization about being an only child was said rashly and out of anger.

Because that would really be sucky of you if you truly thought that.

Anonymous said...

Bitch deserved it. End of discussion.

Anonymous said...

What a bitch. If I had been there and she had ruined my birthday, I would have done more than punch her once. Try about five times. In the face. With a hammer.

CharlestonGirl said...

Well Happy Birthday, Island Girl!
I don't even know what to say, except Anonymous, the hammer...good idea! Seriously, I think you handled it as well a you could have. Why is it people who get drunk and make fools of themselves never think THEY have any problem?

Painter Beach Girl said...

oh my god, that is so funny!!!!!!!! (the drunk girl story). Nothing more unattractive than a drunk woman, really, especially if they act like that