Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Horrible Homily

So A.S. and I are a little concerned about what our minister is going to say at our wedding. I believe I've already explained the torturous event of his "panties" comment, something that should never come out of the mouth of a man in a white collar.

This man confirmed me. He's a cousin of A.S.'. I agree with his political and theological leanings as far as allowing homosexuals to be clergymen. But, but...he's turning out to be a little sexually obsessed.

For instance:

The last time we went in for counseling, he told us some interesting stories about his travels, as per usual, and then suddenly throws out with no preamble, "Jemima, what would you do if A.S. ever cheated on you?"

"I'd throw his arms off, hang him on the door and beat him to death with his own arms. Wait, is there a wrong answer to this question?"

Next he told us some anecdotes about cheating and why those people did it, and then he started waxing poetic about open marriages. And the thing is, neither A.S. nor I got a clear feeling he actually disagreed with the concept.

He was working at some alternative or radical church in Alabama and there was a book passing around in one of their classes about the beauty of open marriages, and our minister said, "Everyone was sleeping with everyone else, and people were getting jealous, and it nearly destroyed the church. Ahhh, those were the days."

Um, what the fuck?

11 comments:

Painter Beach Girl said...

one word

"ew"

roo said...

We basically wrote a script for our minister to read at the ceremony, and he still inserted a bunch of stuff we didn't care for-- though honestly, we were only bothered when we watched the video-- that day, we were too caught up in "Hee! We're getting MARRIED!" to really notice.

Still, we never had to worry that he was going to talk about panties and sex romps on our big day. Yuck!

barbie2be said...

my ex's name is william and during our ceremony the minister called me elliam. i was like, "huh???? what did you say?? did you just call me elliam???" and he was all, "oh, my god, i'm so sorry"

Nothing But Bonfires said...

Give me two weeks, I'll get ordained on the Internet, and then I'LL marry you. And you can rest assured that I will never say "panties."

Wordnerd said...

No, Holly, you'll say 'knickers'...Jemima? Um, dear? That minister sounds icky...

Anonymous said...

I was in a wedding where the preacher continuously discussed the funeral he had just performed. I would have KILLED for a little panty talk.

Rachel

Thespian Libby said...

I'm a Notorious Public and as such, can perform civil ceremonies in the Gray-ut Stay-Ut of SC. I'd be honored to perform the nuptials. I will not use the word "panty" anywhere in the service. As restitution I will only ask for a bottle of Bombay Sapphire to take back to my box under the bridge.

barbie2be said...

oh, hey!!! i forgot... i am already a minister of the universal life church... i could perform the ceremony too. of course there is the small tiny minor issue that i live in california but still... maybe we could do it via video conference? :)

Marcheline said...

I'm with roo. You and AS sit down and write your own vows and ceremony. It's not as hard as you think - if you don't want to do it from scratch, there are tons of cool pre-written ones online that you can "tweak" to make them your own without too much hair pulling.

Then, just sit down with your minister and have him read it over, to scan for anything he would object to, or for suggestions, and voila! A panty-free wedding ceremony!

AnonymousCoworker said...

At least he didn't offer to let you borrow some of his videos?

Meg said...

Good god -- my dad is a minister, and he would NEVER. That's bizarre. Guess SOMEONE is a little frustrated!