Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Separating the cheese from the chaff

I have a small confession to make. I haven’t touched any of the goat cheese I bought on Sunday. I’m SCARED to! It’s almost like when you go to someone’s house who has about 11 cats and cur dogs with mange, and they offer you a nice slice of pound cake, but you just KNOW it’s going to have a hair in it. My eccentric and severely unsanitary godmother once invited me over for Latin tutoring and gave me a coke with an ice cube that had an entire hairball frozen in it (it was all wound up in a piece of blue plastic), and the worst part about it is that I didn’t notice until I’d drunk half the coke, the memory of which still sends me in paroxysms of horror. Shudder. Shudder.

Anyway, I feel like one of the relatively evil lesbian goat milkers (probably the one who yelled at me to get off her ramshackle Little House on the Prairie wattle and daub tchotchke-filled porch) patted one of their pack of mangy dogs and then made my cheese without washing her hands. I didn’t take the tour, so how do I know that the milk vats are pristine? Did the lesbians wear gloves and not throw goat fur and chaff into the mix?

I may have to give all the cheese to someone else (SACRILEGE!). I think I’m a bit too close to this cheese to enjoy it, which is something I never thought I’d say. Someday, when I have my own goat cheese farm, it’s going to have no poop on it, or mangy dogs, and only hygienic, non-evil lesbians.

12 comments:

Nothing But Bonfires said...

Give it to me. I don't mind lesbian cheese. Plus, I've done the tour of that cheese farm and it was very clean, if I remember correctly! I'm almost certain the lesbians wore plastic gloves.

Wordnerd said...

I'll take all the lesbian cheese, if you'll erase the hairball icecube from my memory. For the love of God.......

Kelly Love said...

Hmmm. Interesting. Did I ever tell you how my sister used to make offhand lesbian comments (not in a mean way) all the time? She was married, 2 kids, white picket fence and all. For years, it was lesbian this, lesbian that, and then all of a sudden - BAM - she came out of the closet. Ten years later, she has a crew cut and wears her wallet in her back pocket. Her girlfriend has a Harley.

I say eat the damn cheese.

Jemima said...

Well, I'm not minding it because lesbians made it. I'm minding it because of the mangy dogs and mountainous piles of goat poo everywhere. I do, however, mind the goat milker who shrieked at me...and she happens to be a lesbian.

And I really quite fancy myself as a lesbian, although poor A.S. would be in for quite a shock, wouldn't he? But the sex toys are so much more fun, and you wouldn't ever have to worry about your children getting your wife's enormous ass or receding chin. You just call the bank and order some totally brilliant sperm.

Kelly Love said...

You are hilarious. I'm imagining reception conversation a la "4 Weddings and a Funeral" - "I really quite fancy myself quite the lesbian....at least in college." Hee.

Girls really are so much prettier than boys. If they don't have mullets or very large shoulders.

OK, scrape off the hairy cheese and serve it at book club.

Alexandrialeigh said...

I say give it to Holly. She seems totally down with the lesbians.

Alexandrialeigh said...

Whoops -- I meant totally down with the lesbian CHEESE.

Nothing But Bonfires said...

I'm down with the lesbians too. It's cool.

Marcheline said...

oh my god... that must mean my stepfather is a lesbian... he owns a Harley and wears his wallet in his back pocket too!

Marcheline said...

As a matter of fact.... Hell's Angels is a bunch of ever-lovin' lesbians, too, don'tcha reckon?

Jemima said...

Well apparently everyone either loves lesbians or already is one. Let's all hold hands and sing.

So I guess I'll just eat the damned cheese already. If I die of E coli, I hope all of you rot. Goddamned doo doo farm...goddamned goat hair and mange...it'll probably be weeks before they find my body...AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

Bitches.

Kelly Love said...

Marcheline, does your stepfather also have breasts and a vagina? How Springer-esque!