Friday, March 31, 2006

Ace Employee

I can’t believe I haven’t been fired yet. In the past week, I have contributed NOTHING to this office. I’m actually ASHAMED at how lazy I’m being, checking email compulsively, reading comics online, calculating how much it would cost me to go on various dream vacations...the Internet’s name should be changed to better reflect its personality. How about:

Giant Means of Wasting Time
The Other Reason for the Rise in Unemployment
Deliverer of Brain Tumors for Surfing Addicts like Jemima

When I do have to pay attention and actually accomplish a work-related task, my body droops with ennui and crickets chirp in the vacant place that is my mind. And it’s only TEN FUCKING THIRTY IN THE MORNING.

Here is my latest addiction: Monk-e-Mail

Try it. You won’t be sorry. I sent Holly at Bonfires a little love note from her publisher. I send Alexandrialeigh a little apology from our ass hat former employer. (MWAHAHAHA!) Then I sent A.S. an angry turd note from his thesis instructor: “A.S., this is Doug. This shit does not work. What the fuck? Rebuild your entire model by tomorrow morning or you fail. By the way, you have a sweet ass. Have a nice day.”

Holly in turn sent her boyfriend a monkey mail that said, “Hi, Sean, this is Charlize Theron. You’re looking super hot today. I’m glad you shaved your beard. Let’s shag. I’m going to spank you like a naughty boy.” The best part was that the chimp was wearing a red 80s prom dress and holding a bagel.

I’ve been dicking around on that site all morning, and must have the mind of a three year old, because making the monkey swear just cracks the hell out of me. “Douchebag” is particularly funny, although you have to spell it “doosh baag” or the chimp hoses it up.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy. I’m walking the bridge with my sister and dad and the Bean. The Beaner will be in a stroller, so other walkers will give us the stink eye as we ding their Achilles tendons with the giant jogging wheel. Then I have a kitchen shower at noon. Then I have my goddaughter’s second birthday party at 3. (CRAP! Forgot to call the Add A Pearl lady! CRAP CRAP!) Then that night I have a cocktail party for some friends of mine who are also engaged. On Sunday, I have an interview and have to write an article on this big Spoleto party...I hope the interviewee won’t be as flakey as I suspect she will. Harumph.


Marcheline said...

When I followed the link to "monk-e-mail", all I got was a blank page. What gives?

barbie2be said...

oh my god, that is freakin hilarious!

Alexandrialeigh said...

Sorry I missed the shower -- had to WORK TODAY, can you believe it? Only just got home, and it's 5:30.

Gah. Deadline week

NotSoccer Mom said...

this is hysterically funny!

barbie2be said...

Jemima, i can't tell you how many people have see the link on my page to the monk-e-mail page and have spent hours there... :)

Nothing But Bonfires said...

Charlize Theron really is glad that Sean shaved his beard; she told me. I was just passing on the message. Via a monkey wearing a red prom dress. (Is there any other way?)