Sunday, January 08, 2006


We have a lovely little phrase in our apartment building when we don't want to be bothered: Lockdown.

So here I sit on "my" grievously uncomfortable couch, with my sleeping bag, a bottle of, regrettably, empty...a box of chocolate (also empty), a jar of pickles (empty) and cheese, and the remainder of two very delicious hotdogs. I have been watching A Room With A View and not answering my phone.

Let me see...I have 12 messages and no intention of listening to any of them. Eleven of them are probably from my mother, who is good and generous and controlling and passive aggressive and martyrish. One is probably from my fiance, who is wonderful and has nice dimples. I don't want to talk to him either.

I just want to be fat and irritable and premenstrual and drunk all by myself.

I found myself wondering if the typical photo entitled "The Blushing Bride" shouldn't picture a girl bawling alone with her head in her hands.

The day started humorously enough with A.S. at breakfast at the Bookstore Cafe. I was in a good mood and determined to keep it that way, so I was deliberately refraining from mentioning The Wedding (things are getting so deep at this point, I may begin referring to it as The Wading). But against my will, A.S. dragged us back into the mire, and for some reason, jumped up his high horse about how it was essential that we have guests bused to and from the reception and how undecorous of my family not to have considered our guests' needs first. So I mentioned that we were planning to hire designated driver services in case guests got too hammered to drive back from the plantation. That must have been a really DUMB idea, because NO ONE would ever want that and it would never work and so on. So, after A.S.'s tirade, I was feeling a little crestfallen, so i thought I'd try to reason with him about how my parents had really made food and drink and the band the biggest priorities, and how we weren't aware that A.S. thought transportation was really the most important thing. Maybe we should try to rearrange the budget to also include several thousand dollars worth of buses during Spoleto weekend to take people 20 miles to and from a leased parking facility downtown. That apparently didn't suit him either and he offered to pay for his idea since mine were so pointless and awful. There is really nothing guaranteed to piss me or my family off more than for his family to pay for something because we can't afford to do it "right."

And then I tried to change the subject to something nice, like the party his best friend's mother offered to throw us. And it was all, "God, not another fucking party."

I nearly cried, and I know I got the Crumbly Face.

So between his parents and my parents, we have a list of 689 people, most of whom I have never met. We will be handling a logistical nightmare involving Greyhound and I will be wearing a dress made of burlap and eating food purchased past its Sell By date to save on catering so that our loutish friends don't get a DUI. Fuck everyone.

Yes, I am aware that I'm being a baby.

But if we have to skimp on fun things like sangria and a wedding dress because my father had to invite his 122nd cousin 4,000,000 times removed, I'm going to be pissed. And if my mother doesn't stop being Miss Charlotte Bartlett, there is no way in hell the next six months are going to be any fun.

And then A.S. left to go back to school. What a brilliant note to leave things on. Why don't I shave my head, grow a moustache and sleep with his best friend too, because I could hardly make myself less attractive. I'm sure he was DYING to get the hell away from me.

I really thought I was going to be the one bride to forgo the wedding drama, and it's pissing me off to be so typical.

I haven't posted my list of 200 New Years' Resolutions, so maybe I will do Wedding Resolutions instead.

1. I will not make every conversation about The Wedding. Other people are doing interesting things too.
2. I will buffer my stressed-out fiance from too much wedding crap during his thesis semester.
3. I will ask for help when I need it...from my bridesmaids.
4. I will be grateful to my parents. After all, the wedding is not just about me. It is also about the people who are paying for it. Even when they're wrong.
5. I will try to remember what is most meaningful about this time and not become shrewishly focused on the Party instead of the Marriage.
6. I will not complain about my mother to everyone I meet.
7. I will stop eating junk just because I get worked up. I must remember that in a few short months, I will be wearing white in front of several hundred people, several of whom will be bearing cameras.
8. If I don't have anything nice to say, don't talk about it, blog about it.
9. I will stop researching wedding stuff at work.
10. I will eat at my wedding, come hell or high water.

There. Now I'm drunk and need a shower. I'm going.


Nothing But Bonfires said...

Re: Number Three -- I'm here.

Re: Number Nine -- Don't be ridiculous.

Marcheline said...

You will NOT stop researching wedding stuff at work. If you do, you will never get everything done. Trust me.

Also- Bear and I did our entire wedding ourselves - from the favors to the reception music. And I cannot stress the great financial difference websurfing and comparative shopping made. Bear actually made a spreadsheet from the get-go, in which he kept track of the price of items we wanted if we bought them from a mainstream source, and then the actual price we paid for the same item by bargain hunting on ebay and the web in general. We saved over four thousand dollars - just by websurfing!

You can do this - just remember, you're the bride. It's your deal. Don't let the turkeys get you down!

8-) It's kinda fun to read about your wedding angst... brings back fond memories of some of my pre-wedding moments. I had to not invite certain members of the family because they were feuding (I can say that because we're talking North Carolina here), even though close family members of the uninvited family members were still invited.

Put that in yer pipe and smoke it! Made for some interesting situations...

Have you started dress shopping yet? I had visions of trying on hundreds of dresses, going to NYC to shop, etc. My wedding dress was the ninth one I tried on. The ninth. Sure, I tried on more after that, but they just weren't that one. Keep me posted!

- M