Monday, December 12, 2005

So...Much...Blood

Don't you just luuurve it when doctors actually show concern for your ailments? Rather than nodding, mumbling and writing you a potentially useless prescription, I like it when they raise eyebrows, ask questions and make appropriately sympathetic noises. Well, my doctor was VERY dismayed that I had been sick for 38 or so days and agreed I should see an allergist and also slapped me on Augmentin, which should kill every last bacteria in my entire body, say Amen, say Boomshakalaka. And I saw when she wrote out the allergist referral, she wrote "AND BAT GUANO" in all caps, just like I typed it. See, I'm not the only one concerned about the possibility of hystoplasmosis. I got nothing against bats, but their poop, I no like so much.

Anyway, they drew mass amounts of blood. Like vats of it. Gouts of it. It was like a colossal draining, a letting if you will. I don't miiiind it so much, and on someone else I could care less. But I can't really look at my own. The time before last when I donated blood, I was either low blood sugar or just went all goofy, but ultimately I passed out and had convulsions. Boy, people sure are nice to you after they've watched you bounce about on the floor with just the whites of your eyes showing. All the cookies you can handle. Then the last time I gave blood, the untrained volunteer forgot about me, and I sat there, with my little baggie swelling and swelling at a most alarming rate, and I finally picked it up and trotted around until I found someone who knew how the hell to cut the thing off. Fortunately for me, after you spend any amount of time in an African country, they're not so keen to take your blood anymore. Too many creepy crawlies, so i haven't donated blood in years. Huh, nothing a little Augmentin can't handle.

At any rate, I'm certain that I'm on the mend, which is great news. Even better news is that my sweet little Aloysius is getting maaaarried. It's like that little girl in Father of the Bride, when Steve Martin looks at his daughter and all of a sudden she's four with pigtails and announces she's met a man and she's engaged and they're in love and getting marrrried. Only I didn't know Aloysius when she was little. Nor am I that much older than she is to have flashbacks of this sort. But still, I hadn't done more than look at the picture before calling and shrieking hoarsely in her ear (imagine Marge Simpson's sisters shrieking), "OHHH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" What's funny is that she started out having such a crummy year, what with being usurped by the Asshat Former Boss and temporary poverty. And now, she's moved cities, started a new career, bought a house and embarked on a new life with her love.

I'm so proud of you, Al, and happy for you!

2 comments:

Marcheline said...

Jem - every time you say "bat guano" I can't help thinking of Jim Carey in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" and getting a little bit hysterical. I want to laugh until my mascara puddles around my shoelaces. If I had shoelaces. Which I don't.

- M

Alexandrialeigh said...

Thanks, Jem.

I don't know what you're proud of me for, though -- all I had to do was say yes! CF had to do all the work. And he did a good job. Yay for CF!