Thursday, December 08, 2005

The sneezing had got to stop

I used to enjoy a good sneeze. You know, it was a little break in the tension, a justifiable explosion that almost always elicited a response, at least a “Bless You” if not a “Jesus Christ! Are you OKAY?” (I’m a loud sneezer.) It was pretty satisfying. However, after nearly a month of sneezing about a hundred times a day, let me just say…I am over the sneezing.

I keep a roll of toilet paper on my desk now, and I go through about a third of it every blessed day. My trashcan overfloweth. My coworkers glare at me and douse themselves in melon-scented Purell. I’m tired and haggard and look like hell. My nose is peeling. I wake up all night long to sneeze. I’ve taken antibiotics, Mucinex, Sudafed, Tylenol Allergy Sinus, Vitamins, Immunity Boosters, cleaned my house…what more can I do?


It's got to be this house, since I feel awful half an hour after walking through the door, and worst in the morning. By one o'clock in the afternoon, I'm usually feeling normal again, having been away from this den of snot for about five hours. It's probably the five years' (bless me, I sneezed again) worth of bat guano dust I've been breathing through the walls and floors. Mark my words, they're going to make a CSI episode out of me one of these days. And when they do, I want all of you to tell the blonde agent, "The landlord knew!"

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