Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Blog of Ingratitude

Here was my Christmas list this year:

The Silver Spoon cookbook
Black dress coat
iPod armband
Christmas ornaments
Aveda makeup products
Brush pants for hunting

Here is what my mom will actually get me from that list:

NOTHING

She asks for and receives a specific Christmas list from me every year, and then I guess she rolls it up and smokes it, because every year she just takes a flying leap into the alternate Christmas Present Universe.

I asked her for a black winter dress coat a couple of years ago too, and when I opened the box on Christmas morning, expecting wool, I got…velvet? She had handmade a floor length silk velvet opera cape lined in white taffeta. Gorgeous yes, but oh so practical for those business meetings in Kansas.

Does Mom actually imagine that my lifestyle requires this kind of drama? If only!

The year I asked for a new suit, she was thrilled to find me a high ruffle-necked black corduroy Anne of Green Gables-esque poufy thing she found in Nova Scotia that was neither cool nor retro nor Goth nor classic...just very ugly. I don’t know what goes through that woman’s mind sometimes. What made her look at THAT and say, “Sarah must have it!”

Shit, I’d take cash if she’d give it to me and let me go buy my own damned coat. I actually even showed her the one I wanted on Bluefly and she said, “Oh, I already got you something [red flag], but I’ll go in for half if you want a coat.” WHAT THE HELL! That was the one thing I told her I really really really wanted (and needed). I’m pretty sure she purchased some wretched pink tweed skirt and brown quilted jacket for me, although she passed it off as a gift for my sister, who won’t like it any more than I will. It even had shoulder pads. DOOOOOOM!!!

Apparently I am not the only one whose mother smokes a little holiday rock and then goes shopping. My friend Bear says, “My parents know by now to not go off the reservation when selecting presents for me. I am the world's absolute worst actor when it comes to feigning joy at receiving gifts like the Drakkar Noir gift set, or a set of Pooh Bear candles.”

I guess those would be right up there with holiday sweaters, since all three of those items are guaranteed not to get you laid by any decent woman ever again.

Anyway, I decided to get Mom something she can’t help but love this year, a raspberry colored cashmere cable knit sweater. And no, I’m not knitting it. If I tried that, it would end up looking like a straitjacket and take me two years to make. But maybe when she gives me a mustard yellow, sequined, llama-fur, lace trimmed, matador’s jacket instead of the plain black coat I asked for, she’ll feel guilty as hell and give me the receipt.

See…I’m going straight to hell for pooping on the spirit of Christmas.

2 comments:

Alexandrialeigh said...

Wow, that sucks. My family might be crazy, but damn if we're not all GREAT gifters. Seriously, my mom's mom even harrasses me to "flesh out" my Amazon.com wishlist every year so she can buy me exactly what I want.

I love that.

Marcheline said...

Hey-

Count me in on the weird clothes from mom list.... she does pretty well on the other types of gifts, but anyone that gives an overweight daughter a pair of neon RED pleated dress pants is just not living in the same universe as the rest of us, eh? Heh. You're not alone.

- M