Friday, November 18, 2005

Woo would never have done this to me

What a vile way to wake up in the morning. Not only was there the panic followed by the horror followed by the fury closely followed by despair. This disgusting, revolting, hideous dog snuck into my bathroom last night and ate all my tampons. And the tampons. They were used.

You may ask why I don't flush these things, and it's because of the old plumbing. You may ask why this dog is still gimping around my apartment--and by this, I mean why is she not dead. Well, because she's not mine.

But I really did not enjoy calling the emergency vet and disussing the number (3 to 4) and absorbency (regular) of these tampons with a kind, yet obnoxiously amused woman.

And I sure as HELL am not going to enjoy instructing my coworker, Andrew, that if his old dog can't shit, grab the little string and pull.

Said dog is pacing around and licking my hardwood floors, and every time I screech, she gives me this long-suffering, martyred expression. Fucking dog. Woo may have been foul enough to roll in dead turtles, but she never interfered with feminine hygiene products, for chrissake.

NEVER BUY A LAB, PEOPLE!!! Buy a mix breed, buy a poodle, I don't fucking care, but Labs are putrid, pig-type dogs that are not to be trusted.

Haha, her stomach is burbling. Serves her right.

So anyway, rather than explain to Andrew about the tampon eating, should I just say that my neice is sick and I had to run take care of her and I didn't want to leave Alex so I brought her with me and I'll bring her back on Saturday, when God willing, all of the cotton will have passed? He's back at six and who knows how long it takes to get that out.

WHAT DO I DO? WHY, GOD? WHY MEEEEEEEEEEE?

3 comments:

Nothing But Bonfires said...

Sean and I have been snorting over this all day. Which doesn't help you AT ALL, I know, but still....HAHAHA.

When you take the dog back and the owner asks how she behaved, you can say "oh, she just went with the FLOW." And when he asks whether it was a pain to take the dog out of the apartment so she could pee, you can say "well, a little bit, but luckily there were NO LEAKS." And when he asks if the dog managed to get used to a new environment, you can say "oh yes, she seemed to ABSORB it all."

And....god, I could go on for hours. I'm still trying to come up with one for applicator....

Marcheline said...

You are obviously a prime candidate for the "Diva Cup".

Don't ask me - google it. I'm too busy laughing at the tampon-eating dog.

Egad, that was gross.

Hee hee!

- M

Mariescha said...

Don't buy a basset either, because they do the same thing. Well, to be truthful they don't actually consume the used tampons, they just tear them to shreds and and leave them around the house. Lovely.