Monday, November 28, 2005

Turkey Coma

Is anyone else out there still eating turkey for at least one meal a day? It makes me feel awfully guilty that I didn't send people home with leftovers. But in my defense, I was drunk.

It was fabulous having everyone over for dinner, and the sheer volume of food was fairly impressive. Architecture Student and I had been slaving over the stove for about five hours when everyone got there, and I have to say, my vegetarian gravy was rock star perfect. In fact, the Lacto Pescetarian ate it as soup tonight, although she had to call me and tell me that she was really enjoying it...until she thought hard about it and decided that it might be a stain on one's character to eat a bowl of gravy for dinner. Anyway, it was all mushroom stock and roasted mushroom puree and toasted barley, so there wasn't anything bad in it. Hard to believe anything could taste that good with neither butter nor cream in it. Almost all of my recipes start with "take a stick of butter." It smelled heavenly, but I think Amanda was the only one who ate any. Everyone else took the meaty route.

For all of you who have been over to see Nothing But Bonfire's Porncake, let me just tell you that it was I who ate the last gigantic piece, sitting in front of the television watching Boston Public and not even bothering with a separate plate. ME! ME! ME! And yes, I ate it directly off of the giant glass pedestal cake plate. But I did use utensils.

Speaking of the Porncake, I was at the gym tonight, scrutinizing the fourth packet of cream cheese expanding on my thighs, when I realized with horror that my BOSS was downstairs. Yea Gods, the horror! Do YOU really want to see your bunghole employer whilst wearing yellow short shorts and all sweaty from the elliptical? Me neither. The other coworker was in there as well, so I was sort of obligated to go speak. WHO WANTS TO SOCIALIZE OUTSIDE OF WORK? Gross. Anyway, at least they weren't witness to my falling into the inner workings of the elliptical and being savagely mangled. I'd never hear the end of it. How in the hell are you supposed to be able to read the latest issue of Vanity Fair if you have to hold on with both hands?

So I am determined to be svelte in time for Christmas, since apparently running a marathon makes you blimp out. What the fuck, people? What kind of cosmic joke is it that I have run 26 miles and trained my ass off, only to have aforementioned ass come back with friends? I have, like, FOUR asses now. And a paunch. It would help if the people in my office would cease with the Krispy Kreme, pumpkin pie, chocolate chip cake distribution, the homecooking mother fuckers! I have all the will power of a crack addicted gutter monkey at fraternity rush.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Hi there! I'm here from nothing but bonfires and I just have to tell you that I LOVE the phrase "I have all the will power of a crack addicted gutter monkey at fraternity rush." Not only is it funny as hell but it describes me to a T.