Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Sweet Revenge

The last twenty-four hours have involved several run-ins with the law.

My housing situation is pretty sweet, which I think I've mentioned before. So, my neighbors and A.S. and I were in the Back 40 roasting some oysters and enjoying a pleasant bonfire last night, when suddently the dogs take off like their tails are on fire and race off to bark at the firemen who are traipsing down the driveway. The Lacto-Pescetarian, who I have decided to call Amanda, because that is her name, and Vinny went off to go chat with them. They agreed that our fire was legal but said that there had been a complaint from one of our neighbors and that if the neighbors complained again, we would have to put it out.

So they five of us went back to drinking our bourbon and chatting merrily and eating more oysters, and an hour later, the firemen are back, all four of them deeply apologetic. Apparently the biggest ass holes in the universe, our hypocritical neighbors, had complained again. So Vince goes into overkill mode, dumping vats of ice and spraying it with the fire extinguisher, while these poor hottie firemen sit there wringing their hands, surrounded by sexy girls eating oysters who are deeply inebriated. We invited them to join us, figuring that would really chap the evil next door neighbors, but they were on duty. So then we asked them to please do the siren when they left, since that was bound to piss off our neighbors more than our little party, so they tooted off around the corner to great huzzahs from us.

Anyway, to make a long story short, this meant war. We have put up with so much shit from these neighbors of ours. They bought the house next door a little less than five years ago and built a little house behind it to live in while renovating. That took a year of cement trucks and hammering and workmen. Then the big house took three more years of lead paint chips, yard destruction, masonry saws at 6:30 a.m., scaffolding blocking the driveway, perverts looking in the windows from their roof, a ruined antique brick driveway, spilled cement, etc. So they have some serious goddamn unmitigated gall to act offended when we sit around to a harmless little bonfire now.

First, it is a well known fact that they hate frogs...or probably nature of any kind. Bring on the toads. We are going to set up a toad and tree frog breeding farm in the backyard. And we're buying some of those remote control frog noisemakers which we will somehow attach outside their bedroom window. Next we're tossing wildflower seed in their front yard so they're ridden with weeds. Also, up till now, we've ignored their deeply obnoxious yip dog, Strudel, the most horrible schnauzer. From now on, whenever Strudel yips, we're calling Animal Control. (They used to pawn her off on various of my neighbors for weeks at a time while they went on vacation, and have conveniently forgotten how obliging we've been to them in the past.) We've also already purchased a fire cage, gotten approval from the fire marshall, called for permission for an oyster roast tonight, and had a very ostentatious inaugural burning tonight, while they paced to and fro up and down their stairs, peering out the window. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Fuckers!

If anyone else has ideas for various other non-arrestable ways to annoy the neighbors, by all means, let me know. Trust me, they deserve it. They are genuinely awful people.

Oh, speaking of awful, I also got pulled for speeding today. But I only got a warning, and the cop was awfully nice and understanding. See, two types of law enforcement, and they've all been friendly and on our side.


Nothing But Bonfires said...

Sneak into their house under the pretense of checking in on Strudel (what the fuck kind of name is that, by the way?) and bring a large gym bag of alarm clocks. Set them all for different times (most of them in the wee small hours of the morning), hide them around the house, then leave. Also, while you're there, scatter shrimp and cloves of garlic under sofas and behind bookshelves. Or POTATOES! Potatoes smell hideous when they start to go bad. Yes, go with potatoes. And alarm clocks.

Alexandrialeigh said...

Got one: Go to Barnes & Noble. Pick up a bunch of magazines, and shake them to get the subscription cards to fall out.

Gather up said subscription cards, fill them out, and check the box marked "bill me later."

They'll totally have to either call and cancel, or pay for their subscriptions, and it's even better if you can toss some dirty magazines into the mix.


Actually, I'm not sure if that is legal after all...

Marcheline said...

I'm just sitting here wondering how in the world you got the oysters inebriated.

Oh, and as far as annoying the neighbors? Melt down some manure-based compost in hot water in a bucket, and pour it in the shrubbery under their bedroom windows in the summertime. It will add a romantic miasma to their non-existent love life.


- M