Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Now that I have unleashed the vitriol...

So they're sending me to Kansas for the new job.

HAHA! I shit you not. Kansas. Tres glam, no? I am considering wearing ruby slippers. Yes, my job is so thrilling and I get to hang out with all the hot movie stars in Kansas. Oh, and I'm going to San Antonio next week. I think I'm going to be tired.

Anyway, I've had a LOT to do lately, and my to do list is keeping me awake at night. That and the fact that i can't afford Woo's valium right now, so she paces all night. But I did get our U.S. Senator to agree to speak at the grand opening of our other office, and I think the CEO might have been a little impressed. But I feel like I'm starting to hide at my desk instead of being brave and plowing ahead. I have so much work that I get the sensation that i'm spinning my wheels, like no matter what I do, it's just a crumb compared to the whole lot. It makes me a little tired. But all in all, it's good. And did I mention they got me my very own sexy, hot, chromalicious new G4? I want to lick it. Mmmm, G4...

Things with A.S. have been better, and I think he's forgiven me for acting like a three year old on Saturday night... you know, where negative attention is better than no attention at all. I'm honestly just so embarrased for worrying him and acting like such a See You Next Tuesday. My least favorite part of it was after I had, um, lied, and said I left because I didn't see him and thought he'd already gone. And he told me, "You know, I have a really hard time believing that you thought I would just leave without you." And I had to say, "You're right. I knew you hadn't left. I was just mad."

I would have broken up with me, but then, we already know he's nicer than I am. Oh, I'm so ashamed. Anyway, Sweet Al came over last night and drank wine and ate cheese (mmmm, cheeeese) and pasta gorgonzola (like from Celia's) because she could tell I was on the edge. She told me it sounded like I was coping, but that I might dissolve at any moment, which was fairly accurate. The new job, my dog's condition, my finances... it's just all just overwhelming. That and I have EIGHT weddings/engagements this spring. Eight. Eight weddings. EIGHT, PEOPLE! EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT! God, I'm a fucking old maid in britches and no one will ever marry me and I'll wind up old and alone with no teeth.

Okay, I'm back. Some person from Ass Hole Land took over my psyche there briefly.

Anyway, so the wedding thing is definitely getting to me, and that particular wedding just did me in. I hadn't see A.S. all week because he's had so much work to do, and I understood that and was being supportive. But when he seemed (emphasis on 'seemed') to ignore me that night, and I watched a recently married couple and then the just-married couple all dancing nearby, it just made me unbelievably depressed. I'm sick of telling people that I'm happy for them. I'm not. I'm selfish and bitter and in love with my boyfriend and worried he doesn't feel the same way about me. It was like it all just exploded on saturday, and he certainly wasn't expecting it. hell, neither was I. And even though I may rant on this blog (because it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to), I'm really not so hysterical in person. Maybe I get it all out of my system whining to Al or The Lacto-Pescetarian or on here, and then don't inflict my mental collapses on everyone else.

So Al told me that all in all, it was perhaps understandable that i freaked out (EIGHT!), especially considering the amount of alcohol in my system. And that yeah, I'd acted really dumb, but we all do sometimes when we're drunk, but that love isn't about three-strikes-you're-out. That I've had to put up with a lot of A.S.'s crap in the past and I still loved him. So I should have a little more faith in him to do the same. And she's right. Sigh. It's good to have friends that can get to the root of a problem and don't just say "pat, pat, there, there." It always makes me feel better to talk to her.

Thanks, Al. I love you!

So, sorry this is a long 1950s-era whine about my lack of marital status. If it makes anyone feel any better, I have decided that this is my own problem, not his, and that I need to do more on my own. Perhaps fulfill more of my New Years Resolutions and try new things. And A.S. clearly does a better job balancing his personal life, so I thought I might ask him how he does it. Because I suck at it. (sigh)

2 comments:

Elysia said...

It's kinda nice to know that other people have neurotic moments too. It's not just me. And me. And me. *grin*

Okay, I know that was schizophrenic and not neurotic, but hey, get your own psychiatrist! Or is it psychologist. I never could tell the difference...

Alexandrialeigh said...

You're welcome. I'm sure someday you'll have to return the favor, anyway!

What goes around...