Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Thanks, Assclown

The Nerve has sent me out to take pictures of county council members 40 minutes away in BF, South Cackilacky. Thanks very much, Assclown. It's five clock, so I'll be sitting in traffic for an hour and a half. Cheers.

5:30 p.m. Wow, I'm making good time. Traffic's not too bad.

5:31 p.m. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

[Note to readers: Mini has run out of gas and died going 80 mph in front of an 18-wheeler who is now sniffing my tailpipe and honking wildly. Bad Mini! BAD!]

5:32 p.m. [avoiding middle finger of the 1500 motorists I have just cut off to get into the emergency lane]

Me: Highway Patrol? Hi, yes, I just ran out of gas. I'm at exit blah blah...]

Highway Patrol: What make car is it, Mamn?

Me: Um, a Mini...?

Highway Patrol: A mini what? A minivan?

Me: [not good] No, a Mini COOPER.

Highway Patrol: [snickers] Right, we'll get right on that.

5:33 p.m. Get frantic plea out to Miss Nobody before cell phone dies.

5:34 p.m. This is fine. I'll still make the council meeting. While I'm waiting, I'll just clean out the candy wrappers and crap from the front seat and tidy up a little.

5:45 p.m. Shit ($15.75)

6:45 p.m. Shit ($16)

7:30 p.m. FUCK THE HIGHWAY PATROL!!!!! WHAT A USELESS GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING SHOWER OF BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!! ROT IN HELL!!!!! ($16.50)

7:40 p.m. Thank you to the nice off-duty sheriff from three counties away who stopped on her way to have drinks with friends and helped me fill up my car. May the winds of Karma fill your sails with the gentle breezes of joy and prosperity. Highway Patrol, you can still rot in hell.

8:15 p.m. Jemima enters county council meeting and tells 200 people to stop everything, because she needs some pictures and is not staying in this God-forsaken podunk town one millisecond longer than she needs to.

9:00 p.m. See Jemima getting soaked by her mother for being two hours late for dinner and for being an ungrateful child who should have been thrown to the wolves at birth. They should have stopped at Jemima's older sister. The older sister would have cooked dinner and had it ready by six. Oh, Jemima was on the side of the road? Here, Jemima, have some wine.

10:00 p.m. Architecture Student: Hi, [BAAAARF!]....

10:30 p.m. Lacto-Pescetarian Neighbor: I think your shower is backed up again. Mine is full of black pipe tar and oily black clay. And the sink is overflowing.

8:30 a.m. this morning: See Woo get the biggest dingleberry known to man and have an ear shattering squawkfest while I hose her butt off so that all the neighbors think I am killing her. Damned dog. Damned dingleberry. Damned Nerve. Damned Mini. Damn it all.

2 comments:

Bear said...

Okay. You are fucking funny!

That's it. That's all.














What the hell are you looking down here for?? I said that was all!

Bear

Vivian to Some said...

Why is it, crappy days make for the best reading? I'm digging on you Jemima.